Pepino's

Pepino's is located at 3832 SE Hawthorne Blvd. The decor is reminiscent of unicorn innards, a faint smell of urine hangs in the air, and the tables are always sticky. Home away from home, am I right? Disregarding the food completely, I must say I am glad this place exists. When you are overcome by the devastatingly kitschy, soul-suffocating atmosphere of the Hawthorne shopping district, you can hide here. Not to say that it is relaxing in any way, it just makes for an escape from the fashionably unfashionable 20-somethings, slowly meandering middle-aged-window-shopping-women, begging street kids (need a buck for a beer man... I ain't gonna lie), and canvassers on every corner. After you order your food, just sit back in your little booth, and watch the world go by the window with a glint of indignation in your eyes.

Carnitas Burrito

Ingredients: Carnitas, Pinto Beans, Rice, Salsa Fresca, Cheese OR Sour cream  

Price: $6.90*

Sides: Fun Salsas, Pickled jalapeno carrots, Chips

Size: Big

*$5.95, but I asked for cheese AND sour cream, so they added .95 to the price. You really want me to choose between those toppings? INSANITY!

Well... Everything about this burrito was only MEH. The pork was rather dry. The rice and beans were bland. The tortilla was floppy, and liquid drizzled steadily out of the bottom after the first bite. The cheese was great, and for 95 extra cents, it damn well better be! Edible, it was. Delectable, no. The assortment at the salsa bar is enticing, and you'll need lots of it. The chips and salsa fresca made a nice combination. I should have gotten the "El Cheapo Burrito," which only costs $3.50. If you're going to get a humdrum burrito, it may as well be cheap.

Rating:

2 outta 5. 

Will I go here again?

Next time I'm loosing my mind on Hawthorne. Baja fish tacos are better.

La Jarochita

La Jarochita is located near SW 5th and Oak in one of Portland's many food cart pods. Popular among the downtown crowd, expect a line during weekday lunch hours. However, if you are looking to skip an absurd 2 hour long wait for Saturday brunch, this is a nice spot to grab a quick, no hassle breakfast burrito. That's what I did!

Breakfast Burrito #4

Ingredients: ham (or meat of your choice), eggs, potatoes, peppers,
onions, mushrooms, cheese, sour cream

Price: $4.99

Sides: Red and Green

Size: NOM NOM

A steamy, juicy, hot-off-the-skillet love bomb. The ingredients; diced well and sizzled up together, plopped lovingly in a greasy steamy heap, topped with melty cheese and sour cream, and wrapped tightly in a warm cuddly tortilla blanket. As I bit into my little bundle of joy, its warmth filled my stomach, my thoughts, my soul. Soothingly, silently, I chowed down with purpose, and was lifted into an ethereal whimsical wonderland of salty stillness. Dreams. Memories. Childhood. A crisp autumn evening and a warm bowl of soup. The unsettling burden of adult complexity, becalmed. Peace.

Ok, maybe I'm getting grotesquely lyrical here. Good food does this to me. Burritos are my comfort, my soul food. When a good one comes around, my head floats away and my eyeballs glow.

Even in my dream-state ecstasy, this burrito got a little soggy and floppy towards the end- perhaps a little too juicy? Though the flavors all melded really well together, it was too salty at times. Being my first review of a breakfast burrito, I can't help but imagine that an even better one awaits! Pure burrito bliss? Almost...

The Rating

3.7 out of 5

Will I go here again? After writing this review, I want to right now!

Robo Taco

Robo Taco is located in the Buckman neighborhood at 607 SE Morrison.

I was on the fence about this place. I read some rather mixed reviews, most of the positive ones mentioning the kitschy atmosphere (robot decor), late night hours, and vegan menu. This did not bode well for the food itself. None the less, I gave it a shot. It had been a long time since I'd tried a new place and written a new review. So, here I am!

I'm sorry it's been ages since my last post! It's not that I haven't been eating burritos, heaven forbid, I've just been eating at my typical burrito joints. The summertime makes me lazy, with a hankering for bbq and sandwiches. But I know as the weather cools, my extreme passion for burritos will re-emerge. It never ceases, but with rain comes melancholy, and with melancholy comes a longing to fill the void with ENORMOUS JUICY BURRITOS.

 

Al Pastor Burrito

Ingredients:  Pinto beans, rice, cheese, salsa, sour cream, al pastor (marinated pork shoulder), and... pineapple

Price: $7.25

Sides: 3 salsas

Size: Big

I didn't actually think they would put pineapple in my burrito. The menu said that the Al Pastor tacos were topped with pineapple, but the concept of pineapple in my burrito was entirely infeasible. Upon first bite, however, I got a big mouthful of... you guessed it... pineapple! A bit of a shocker, but I carried on. I kept biting and chewing and trying to taste anything but pineapple. About halfway through the burrito, the pineapple died out. I was happy to taste something else, however, no other flavors emerged. I thought my taste buds were broken! I took a bite and held it in my mouth, sucked on the meat, anything I could do to try and get some spice out of this bastard! My tongue picked up a slight burnt flavor but that's about all I could decipher. I drenched it in salsa (also devoid of piquancy) to add to its edibility. The meat was chewy and overcooked. The pineapple was blasphemous. It was overwhelmingly bland. BLAND BLAND BLAND. I shouldn't have to try so hard to taste my food. Even if it were 3 am and I was a drunken hipster, this wouldn't have been good. But I suppose robots don't have taste buds, now do they?

The Rating:

1/2 star out of 5.

Will I go here again? No.

 Robot says: "ROBO TACO IS A ROBO NO-GO"

La Torta Caliente

Ok, so this isn't technically in Portland. It's located in Sandy, Oregon. Just imagine, you've been hiking/skiing all day up on Mount Hood, and you need to reward yourself for all of that strenuous exercise. The best way to do that? A burrito of course! I, having eyes like a hawk when it comes to spotting Taquerias, saw this place on our way up to the hills and filed it into my brain for later inspection.

 
This tiny place had mirrors on the ceiling, a Spanish/English menu, tomatillos simmering on the stove, and a slab of beef sitting on the counter! My heart was fluttering with anticipation. High hopes, friends, high hopes.

The Beef Burrito

Ingredients: shredded beef, refried beans, rice, lettuce, tomato, onion, cheese, sour cream

Price: $5.00

Size: filling

Sides: red and green sauce


After moving my sedentary immobile lump of couch flesh up a small hill, I needed replenishment. All that exercise and fresh mountain air gave me a hankering for some good old juicy greasy cheesy beany beefy love.

I was disappointed. This rather bland burrito filled me up, but was nothing to write home about. The cheese held the most flavor, and was quite tasty and oozy. The beef had a nice texture, but that's all. It wasn't gross, just very very plain. The red and green sauce didn't even have much flavor. Boooorrrrrrrrring.

Oh burrito, how I wanted to love you! WHY BURRITO WHY!?!?!

The Rating:

2 out of 5 stars

Will I go here again? If I get lost in the wilderness and the rescuers bring me one, I will consider eating it.

King Burrito

King Burrito is located at 2924 N. Lombard Street in Portland's Arbor Lodge neighborhood. This no frills joint offers simple cheap greasy Mexican done up right. No self-proclaiming, neo-yuppified, flowery lingo clouding up the menu here! Just straight up food.

This place is quite far from where I tend to be, but we stopped in on our way to the lake.

Canoe + Burrito = Perfection

 

Carnitas Burrito

Ingredients: Carnitas, pinto beans, guacamole, pico

Price: $4.50

Size: No measurements this time, but it filled me up!

Sides: red and green salsa

A burrito for under 5 bucks is hard to come by these days. Upon first inspection, I observed a lumpy tortilla colored brick, with quite a bit of grease on the wrapper. Hmm... But let's not judge a book by it's cover, you never know what's hiding inside! The carnitas was reminiscent of most pork cooked up this way- braised crisp edge, strings of slow cooked, pulled apart yumminess- trapped in a void somewhere between tender and chewy. Good flavor all around, though it was a bit dry at times. The red and green salsa added a nice nip. The substantial amount of guacamole is what really jazzed up this burrito! It's tough to find a burrito in this town with guacamole, where they don't charge extra! It was like opening up a shabby used paperback, to find someone's juicy secret love letters tucked inside! An unexpected, rewarding treat. Our little secret.

 

The Rating:

3.8 out of 5 stars

Will I go here again? Wouldn't go out of my way to eat here, but if I were nearby, then yes!

**Follow Up Post**

Taqueria Lindo Michoacan

click on photo to view large

This food cart is in a thrift store parking lot at SE Division and 33rd ave. I don't know much about it, other than that I was starving and driving by, when it caught my attention. It's a fun cart to look at- bright orange, with a hand painted menu that takes a while to decipher. There are regular and super size burritos, and you can make them "supreme" if you choose.

 

 

Supreme Regular Fish Burrito

Contents: rice, refried beans, grilled tilapia, cilantro, onion, tomato, lettuce, cheese, avocado, sour cream

Price: $5.00

Length: 9.5"

Circumference: 8.75"

Sides: huge red and green sauce

This behemoth is the longest I've ever had. I've had girthier, but they don't come lengthier than this. I can't imagine what a super size version must look like, or what kind of human could possibly fit the entirety of one into their body. Sometimes the largest ones can be deceiving, as size does not always equal excellence. Was this just another enormous burrito bamboozlement, or did it work its wonders in more ways than one?

I savored the bites of delicate flaky tilapia, slathered in rich oozy sour cream, with ripe chunks of avocado interspersed. The warm creamy beans, crisp lettuce, melty cheese, and fresh cilantro mingled about merrily in my mouth. The evocative red sauce stirred distant memories around in my mind. At times, this burrito suffered from fish sparsity and onion overabundance. Though I enjoyed the act of consuming this glutinous beast, the flavors weren't particularly distinctive. However, it was engaging enough to keep me chomping away until the very last bite. The burrito filled my stomach and stretched all the way up into my brain. Food coma bliss ensued, with a nice meditative nap.

The Rating:

3.5 outta 5 stars

Will I go there again?  Yes, would like to try other options.

*BURP*

El Gallo

The more I learn, the less I know. For every burrito I eat, another one is being born. Is my quest futile? How can I possibly find the best burrito, when so many exist/will exist/have existed? It's an infinitely whirling conundrum; around and around it spirals, only to fall back onto itself. If I do eat the best burrito that is humanly possible, how will I know it's the one? What is the probability that the best burrito in the Universe, and myself, will exist together in space/time? Null. Zip. Nada. None! The burrito universe is caving in! What to do?!?
                                                                           

Despite my existential crisis, I suppose all I can do is keep on trying, keep on eating. I don't have to go far, before I find myself at El Gallo Taqueria on SE Woodstock and 48th Ave. Local Woodstockians, and Out-of-neighborhooders alike, have made this their staple Mexican food cart. What makes this place so special, you ask? Well, I decided to figure this out for myself. Is it all hearsay, or does this place really offer something to get excited about?

Carnitas Burrito

Contents: Carnitas, pinto beans, Tillamook pepper jack, cojita, cilantro, onions, cabbage

Price: $6.50

Length: 7"

Circumference: 8.75"

Sides: Red, Green, and MELT YOUR FACE salsa



Anticipation. Mouth watering, stomach beginning to eat itself, anticipation. And finally, after several minutes of angsty impatience, fanciful bites of burrito divinity flow into my mouth. Crusty braised porky charm, fluffy spider webby strings of wonderfully chewy, springy, pig flesh. Exploding beans! Cabbage that would mercilessly bash in the heads of any lettuce that came within sight. Hot sauce that could kill a (wo)man. Flaking tortilla freshness. Can Mexican street food served from a food cart be gourmet? If so, this is it. But as many gourmet items go, it wasn't as filling as my disgustingly enormous appetite could have hoped for. Satisfying in so many ways, however.

The Rating

4.2 out of 5

Will I go here again? Soon.