Aprisa

Located on the corner of SE 8th and Division, this place dotes on the fact that it's made out of an old shipping container. That happens to have nothing to do with food quality, and is just a ploy to distract your attention, you do-good-portlander, you. Sustainability is awesome, if you have the delicious food to back it up!

It's a strange, awkward experience. You can either drive through, or hit up the walk up window. You order in a "Chipotlesque" style- choosing meat and other toppings to create your custom burrito. It's quite annoying, actually.

The Pork Burrito

Price: $6.15

Sides: Salsa upon request

Size: Medium/Big



I don't really want to waste anyone's time here. This burrito was frankly, a bland brick of tasteless nothingness. Packed full of dry, slightly under cooked rice. The strange cubes of tough pork seemed days old... probably from sitting in one of those weird metal squares under a heat lamp for too long. The lettuce was like slime scraped from the top of a muggy swamp. The hot salsa was more like mild tomato sauce, with a slight Italian flavor going on.

Sorry Aprisa, I wanted to like you. You seemed alright...

The Rating:

1 out of 5 stars.

You're probably better off eating at a real Chipotle...

Taqueria Portland

Cast along the unassuming street of North Fessenden, a worn old sign with the words "Taqueria Portland" is aglow. The luminescence draws you in, a glimmer of possibility at the edge of the long lonesome thoroughfare. If you are wise, you will simply stop whatever it is you're doing, and head there right now. You are Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and this place is the Devil's Tower. You just must go.

The space is colorful and quirky, and the people are super friendly. They have an extensive menu, booze, and attentive table service!

The Chile Relleno Burrito

I haven't been this excited about a burrito in a very long time. I was about to give up on you, Portland! Then, along comes a Taqueria created in your image.

Ingredients: Chile relleno, beans (pinto or black), rice, onions, cilantro, sour cream, cheese, spicy salsa

Price: $5.39

Sides: Red and Green Sauce, FREE chips and salsa and lolly pops.

Size: BIG

You know that feeling you get, when you bite into something so luscious, so delectable, so flavorsome- that you close your eyes and "mmmmmmmmm" noises just start radiating from your throat? You get that dizzying feeling of joy, buzzing high within the crevices of your brain? Your heart swirls, as if on a tilt-a-whirl at the fair? Pure affirmation that you are alive- breathing, tasting, existing- captivates your very soul? Yes, you know the feeling... it's love! I'm in love, everyone!

The sumptuously spicy pepper; an exquisitely roasted, cheese-infused, crisply encrusted delicacy. Cloaked within an ambrosial entourage of distinctly flavorsome ingredients: oozy refried beans, a pinch of rice, gooey cheese, fortifyingly fresh cilantro and onion, and hot salsa. All wrapped into a scrumptious tortilla skin, forming a labyrinth of taste-bud-mesmerizing-mayhem.

I am still there, in mid-chew, frozen for eternity with my burrito-shaped manifestation of love. All I have to do is close my eyes, and I am whisked away into an ethereal landscape where my consciousness is consumed by the evocative flavors of this burrito. The smell of sizzling onion, slow simmering spices, and hot frying peppers permeates the air all around. I open my eyes to the grandeur of cheese-capped mountains of beans, flowing hot sauce streams, cilantro meadows, and a chile pepper lined pathway. I float along, heading deeper and deeper into burrito bliss. I look into the sky, to see a bright rectangular sun, hot rays shine onto my skin, and I can barely make out the words "Taqueria Portland" silhouetted against the glow.

...

It's a bit like this cat's experience with friskies.

This burrito makes me want to lower the ratings of all the other burritos I have ever reviewed. It's the best burrito I have ever eaten in Portland. I also got to taste the carnitas and chile verde, both of which were also spectacular. I had to leave .1 just in case I find a better burrito... just in case...

I wish I was eating one right now. You definitely should be- there's really no other reason to exist.

Taqueria Pardos

Located in a parking lot on SE Mill Street, between Grand and 6th, the Gods were on my side when they convinced these folks to park a taco truck right next to Goodwill. You can fuel up before you go popping tags- trying to find a jumpsuit just like your grandpa's? Or perhaps a big ass coat?

Though I do sometimes enjoy overindulgence, overabundance, and the headaches upon headaches of choices in modern America, simplicity is a beautiful thing. There are 4 menu items at Pardos, and 3 meats to choose from. Tacos for a dollar? Check. Burritos for under 5 bucks? Si.

Pork Burrito

Ingredients: Pork, Rice, Beans, Cheese, Pico

Price: $4.50

Sides: Red and Green Salsa

Size: Medium

And now, 3 burrito inspired Haiku:

Mr. Pig thank you

for being so delicious.

Beans, cilantro too!

Rumble in thy gut

burrito blanket, wrap me

into mindful rest.

Hoping for a bite

desire only pains us-

down boy, down boy, sit.

The Rating

3.9 out of 5 stars.

Santeria

This tiny joint is a Portland institution; wedged in between Mary's and Tugboat, right across from Bailey's. You can have yourself a fine little night without ever leaving this block! It's generally jam packed, blasting metal music, and ill staffed- but just shut up and enjoy it! Impress your out-of-town friends with a true Portland experience. Enjoy the company of burnt out bums and strung out strippers whilst consuming a massive burrito attack! Don't forget to use the bathroom while you're here, as it is shared with Mary's. You sneaky little devil, you. If you're really bad, they'll deliver your food to you at Mary's, so you can get off in more ways than one! If you're well groomed and boring, they'll deliver it to you at Bailey's.

Here's a link to their MENU.

Chile Relleno Burrito, Santeria Style

Ingredients: Pinto beans, rice, relleno, pico, guacamole sauce. Smothered in verde sauce, cheese, sour cream.

Price: $9.25 + $2.25 (Santeria Style) = $11.50

Sides: 3 tasty hot sauces, Margarita

Size: GARGANTUAN

This sucker is the most expensive burrito I've reviewed on my blog so far. Especially when you add in the strong $7 margarita you'll no doubt order as well! So, it's not a cheap date... so what?

It's also the largest burrito I've reviewed thus far, about the size of a small/medium child. Almost as wide as it is long.

I was so eager to delve into this brute, that I nearly burnt my tongue off! HOT STUFF! The flavors weren't super titillating (perhaps because of my scorched taste buds), but a little hot sauce brought it up a notch or two. Getting it smothered added an exciting, saucy dimension. The relleno was scrumptious, though it was hidden deep within the burrito body. I had to make my way through a stockpile of meh rice and beans before hitting the pleasurable treasure trove. I was surprised with myself as I kept shoveling the monster down my gullet, without swelling up and passing out. Then, towards the end, it hit me! Burritoed-out-stonedness. No need to purchase street drugs outside the door, just finish off one of these bountiful beasts and stumble on home; eyes aglow with the night's shenanigans.

The Rating:

The experience is worth a 5, but the burrito itself gets:

3.4 out of 5

Tienda Santa Cruz

I went on a burrito pilgrimage the other day, to experience the grub from a taqueria in the back of a little market. Located at 8630 North Lombard Street in St Johns, this nondescript, shabby little place could easily be missed. You'd never expect such a bustling place shoved in the back, though it felt more like a cafeteria than a restaurant.  Very utilitarian- no extravagance needed.


They were also cranking out some super delicious looking pastries, if you want desert. Not that you'll need it!

Asada Burrito

Ingredients: Asada, beans, rice, cilantro, onion, cheese

Price: $4.50

Sides: Red and Green Salsa, Pastry for desert!

Size: Medium-big

I've always hated the word "authentic." What amount of truth can such a word hold in modern society? Culture is a mixed up mess; mocking its predecessors, constantly changing, building on its own forgotten history. Nothing is "real," yet everything is.

However, authentic is the word that comes to mind when describing this burrito experience. Although, there was no one slaughtering goats out back (at least I don't think so). Plus, I don't even consider burritos authentic Mexican cuisine, but somehow, this was really really real. Pure and simple.

The tortilla was phenomenally crisp and chewy at the same time. How'd they do that? There was too much of it, but it was so yummy that I didn't care. The thinly sliced steak was subtle and savory, if a bit on the chewy side. The rice and beans added little to the overall essence. Cilantro and onion. Yeah!

But... the whole time I was eating, I was wishing that I had gotten the tacos instead. I know... I know... I'm a burrito junkie- tacos are for pansies, right? But hear me out. This was like eating a giant taco; it was just too much of the same thing. If I were eating a variety of tacos, fresh squeezes of lime every now and then... it would have been heavenly! When I'm chowing down on a burrito, I want that juicy, saucy, cheesy, oozy, dynamic mesh of flavors and textures tickling my senses. This was just too simple, too primordial.

If you're taking it back, taking it waaaaaaaaaaay back, taking it to the street... take it to the tacos.

The Rating

3 out of 5

if it were tacos and I was the taco aficionado... a million out of 5! 

Cha Cha Cha

Cha Cha Cha is a local Portland chain. I visited the one located in Sellwood, at 1605 SE Bybee. It's in a colorful foursquare style home, which makes for a bright, funky, inviting atmosphere. Wherever you are, you probably aren't far from a Cha Cha Cha.

Chile Verde Burrito

Ingredients: Pork in Tomatillo Sauce, Rice, Refried beans, Guacamole, Pico, Cheese

Price: $6.50

Size: Acceptable

Sides: Red and Green Sauce

It looked pretty! As for the taste, it was tantalizingly... devoid. It brought about lucid memories... of all those boring gringo burritos I've had in the past. Experiences like this blend together in a swirling, whirling, empty hole in my brain. Once it's unwrapped from it's pretty yellow paper, I couldn't pick it out of a lineup of suspect burritos. Can't you just see them all lined up against a wall, drooping over sadly, as they try to stand upright?

"Turn to the left!"

It seemed decently fresh, I'll give it that much. At least it wasn't made from dehydrated bean packets and partially hydrogenated soybean scum scraped from the bottom of an enormous vat in a rat infested factory in the outskirts of Chicago. The plethora of rice, mixed with the minuscule amount of pork, was like hunting for "a needle in a haystack" or going on a "wild goose chase." Inspiring nothing, but hackneyed adages. Expected, so expected. A burrito for the novice. A burrito for the children. A burrito for someone who fears Mexican food. A burrito that doesn't fill up that hollow feeling, no matter how big it is. You are nothing to me! NOTHING!

The Rating

1.5 outta 5 stars

Ok, I understand that a lot of people like Cha Cha Cha... Take your kids their for quesadillas. Take your grandparents there for a friendly atmosphere, and food that won't wreck any sensitive intestines. You stick to your banal burritos. I'll stick to my trashed-out-greasy-fatty-heart-attack-delights, thank you very much.

Cha Cha Cha? Try Cha Cha BLAH!

La Merced

 

 

 Located in inner SE Portland, on Clay between Water and 2nd ave, right next to the train tracks. This little taco truck literally shook as an Amtrak sped by right behind it. A sensible menu, with your typical selections, and a few spunky vegetarian options. The folks working here were extremely friendly and their happy demeanor alone could draw me back.

 

The Poblano Burrito

 

Ingredients: Smoked poblano peppers, corn, black beans, rice, potatoes, cilantro, caramelized onion, sour cream and queso fresco

Price: $6.00

Size: Gigante! 

Sides: Red and Green Salsa


Nothing is quite like parking in the bright January sunshine, a big burrito sittin' in your lap, just waiting to be savored. Watching the world pass you by as you indulge and soak in some rays filled with good old vitamin D.

This sucker was ENORMOUS! You could definitely feed a small village for 6 bucks. Though I was consuming an unprecedented amount of food, it felt ok, because it had vegetables in it! That's healthy, right? The peppers were sweet, tangy, fresh and perfectly roasted, and the onion added a subtle sweetness as well. The beans, corn, and potatoes were on the mellow side, but well textured.  All the ingredients converged nicely within their tortilla skin, and were well dispersed. I would have liked more spice and more cheese. I appreciate the creative innovation behind this veggie option, not your standard old "rice, beans, lettuce" foo-hah. Oh, and the red salsa was fabulous!

The Rating

3.2 outta 5

Will I go here again?

I would love to try a more meaty option, and like I said, they are soooooo nice!