Saturday, October 11, 2014

Los Alambres

An oasis in a desert of sketchy car dealerships, Los Alambres is set in the epicenter of Portland's undeniable stretch of societal detritus. We silly inner Portland dwellers pretend 82nd Avenue doesn't exist, unless of course we need to purchase some cheap _____ (fill in the blank with anything). This cart is a few blocks south of Stark, at 1134 SE 82nd, in the parking lot of a Panaderia. Stop by after you shop at Target, or if you're dodging an angry pimp or something...

A wide variety of Mexican fare is offered here, far beyond the typical taco and burrito grub you find at most places. The 17 Torta choices tempt (head cheese, anyone?), and they appear to be the specialty here. I, of course, had to go with a burrito.

Carnitas Burrito

Price: $5.50

Ingredients: Pork, Rice, Beans, Avocado, Sour Cream, Lettuce, Tomato, Cheese

Sides: Red and Green

Size: Big, but not HUGE

Firstly, it took forever for this burrito to come out. I was hungry, drenched from hiking in a downpour, and wanted to be off of stinky 82nd ASAP, and this took... forever! They were out of chicken, which is what my boyfriend had ordered, so I guess they just decided to serve everyone else who came after us first, before asking what we'd like instead. Lame, but hopefully just a one off thing.

Setting aside my angry yelp reviewer style bitchiness, let's get on with the burrito review!

The ingredients all laid nicely within the squishy chewy tortilla, with just the right helping of each- just a little lettuce, a fair amount of cheese, a good hunk of pork. However, nothing blew me away- everything was simply standard. The carnitas lacked that braised crisp edge and inner melty juiciness I love, though it was tender and pulled apart nicely. This undistinguished burrito begged for lots of the smokey red and creamy green salsas to keep it appealing. 

The Rating

3.3 stars. Another average hombre. 

Would I go here again? If I'm ever unfortunate enough to end up in this part of town, perhaps I'd try another option.

Like me on Facebook for more burrito fun!!!

Friday, August 22, 2014

Don Pedro

Don Pedro is yet another Mexican food cart downtown. It's located on SW 5th between Stark and Oak Street. They were open on Sunday, so that's a plus.

My job is really hard you guys. There are so many burritos out there, and it's tough to sort through them! I find myself  heading to my favorite spots again and again, when I know I need to be exploring. I just hate being disappointed over and over with plain old saggy burritos. Anyone can wrap some shit up in a tortilla and sell it for 5 bucks to some schmuck off the street. I want QUALITY, mouth watering, perfectly cooked ingredients wrapped in a scrumptious tortilla, artfully and lovingly so. I'm tired of mediocrity, dammit!

Well, on with the review...

Fajita Burrito

Price: $6.00

Ingredients: Steak, veggies, rice, beans, sour cream, salsa

Sides: red and green salsa

Size: Phat.

Ok, so after my rant you're probably thinking this burrito has tipped me over the edge, and you'd be right to assume so. It wasn't horrible or anything, just another regular old burrito... lacking flavor and chock-full-o-rice. Every bite had a strange sweet undertone- perhaps from the red pepper? Not enough beans, and the lackluster steak was too greasy. Oh yeah, and there wasn't any cheese on it. You have to pay extra for that. Sad. The sour cream did that thing where it separates, or curdles... unappetizing.

The Rating

1.3 outta 5 stars


Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Lonchera Brother Express

Lonchera Brother Express is located on 82nd Ave in the Cartlandia food cart pod. If you're ever biking along the Springwater Corridor Trail and need some fuel, this is the place! The cart has Speedy Gonzalez on it and the sign says "Taco Truck Brother Express." My lovely boyfriend brought this burrito home for me after his jaunt to Home Depot to purchase a lawn mower because our grass (more like, weeds) was over a foot and half tall in places, but that's beside the point.

Carnitas Burrito

Yeah yeah, another carnitas...

Price: $5.00

Ingredients: Pork, beans, rice, cheese, onion, cilantro

Sides: 2 greens (they were out of red)

Size: Busty

The pork was supple, with that liiiiiiiiiiiiittle hint of crispiness along the seared edges- just so. A subtle salt and pepperiness carried that natural pork flavor from my palate right on up into the pleasure receptors of my brain. Who needs yoga and meditation (or medication)- really? All of the daily stresses from my extremely difficult life as a middle class white person just melted away. No amount of downward facing dogs could do that. Seriously. My Chakras were totally aligned (or whatever they do) after this burrito bombshell.

The Rating:

3.8 outta 5

Yuuuuuuummmm Yuuuuuuuummmm Yooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmm.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Torres de Morelos

Conveniently located on bustling Powell Blvd at SE 31st between a brewpub and a strip club, a mechanic and a cheap hotel. Who could ask for more? Heh. This truck offers every part of an animal you could want!

Carnitas Burrito

Price: $5.00
Ingredients: Pork, beans, rice, cheese
Size: Mondo
Sides: Red and Green Salsa

This was one giant lumpy son of a biz-natch. Huge? Yes. Tasty? No. Greasy chewy flavorless meat. There's not much worse than getting 1/2 way through a burrito and realizing you just can't eat anymore. I have nothing else to say.

The Rating:

0.7 out of 5

Taco Express

Just a nondescript taco truck sitting humble and hopeful between Reed College and the train tracks. Bringing blue collar workers and trust funding liberal arts students together on the corner of SE Steele and 26th since April, 2012! It's also near Gigantic Brewing- YAY BEER!

The Breakfast Burrito

Price: $3.99

Ingredients: Egg, Cheese, Sausage

Size: Small

Sides: Red salsas

A very simple concoction- with fried egg over medium, standard american style sausage, and cheddar cheese. Wrapped and then sliced in half- the cheese stretches into endless strings as you pull the halves apart. Fun.

When I asked if the sausage was chorizo, I was told "yeah, something like that, it's very good." It could have been Jimmy Dean's for all I know, but it definitely wasn't spicy Mexican chorizo. But, it wasn't so bad- and it was cute and salty. The hot sauce was its saving grace.

The Rating:

2.9 outta 5

Not fantastic, not horrible.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Los Taquitos Taqueria

Cute and Colorful Los Taquitos is located at 58th and NE Glisan Street- next to a gas station and entry onto the highway. Be careful not to unwittingly turn onto the ramp for the highway, as you will be sucked down 84 until the nearest exit in Hollywood. Haha...ha.

They have your typical Mexican grub, as well as many veggie options and other interesting entrees.

This place isn't too far from Mt Tabor, so I decided to have a burrito picnic overlooking Portland's poopy water supply. What better than a gorgeous June afternoon spent atop an extinct volcano, burrito in hand? Not much, not much at all.

Chile Relleno Burrito

Price: $5.50

Ingredients: Chile Relleno, Rice, Beans, Pico

Size: Large and in charge

Sides: Salsas, Pickled Carrots and Jalapenos. 

Ok, well, alright, uh, so...

Nothing really blew me away about this burrito. He wasn't bad, but he wasn't breathtaking either. Just your everyday ordinary run and the mill joe. I didn't laugh, didn't cry, didn't really feel anything. He wasn't tangy, spicy, hot, or saucy. The relleno was tender and eggy- but not too eggy. The beans were too pasty, yet had a nice hammy taste.. The salsa accompaniments weren't all that enticing either- the overly liquidy red was all heat with no flavor and the overly thick green was just... strange. It filled my hunger spot for a while, but left me ill with want. 

The Rating

2.8 out of 5

Who I go here again? 

Yes, there are many more burritos in the sea. Perhaps I would try the California burrito, which has steak and french fries on it... edgy. 

Monday, May 26, 2014

Angel Food & Fun

Located just north of Alberta on NE 60th, this unassuming place is easy to miss- most likely because you aren't even looking for it. Why would you be looking for something you don't even know exists? Well, it's time to change that, my friends.

This mom and pop joint features many unique and delicious sounding dishes from the Yucatan, as well as standard Mexican grub. It was difficult to just get a burrito, but being the burrito junkie that I am, I had no choice.

Azada Burrito

Price: $6.00

Ingredients: Steak, black beans, rice, lettuce, sour cream, cheese, grilled onions, guacamole

Sides: Red and green salsa

Size: Medium

It's difficult for me to write this. My stomach is grumbling and I just want to jump in the car and head back up to this magical out-of-the-way place of food and fun.

So, how can steak... be so luscious? Each finely chopped tidbit sets the mind spinning as you delve through a perfectly crisp outer later, and into the succulent melt-in-your-mouthy center. The hypnotic heart stopping steak is woven into a dazzling medley of steamy black beans and rice. Every mesmerizing bite is infused with melty cheddar cheese. The enticing flavors are further aroused by the adornment of smokey grilled onions. These delectably fresh, well balanced ingredients were placed thoughtfully and lovingly inside their tortilla mother. Every bite is solid and steady, top to bottom. Even the lettuce is delicious. What a breath of fresh air in a land of mid-range burrito madness.

This is the kind of burrito that leaves an impression on you. I find myself gazing into thin air, transfixed, dreaming about a life with her. She is a part of me now, forever and always- our atoms have mingled. Maybe I'll call her. Is it too soon to call her?

The Rating:

4.5 outta 5

Just a little more steak and this one would be sending me to the moon, darlin'.